Updated: Aug 11
Thoughts left unchallenged
are at higher risk of becoming permanent beliefs.
You may find more work by MamaofLesbian at https://mamaoflesbian.substack.com/
When my fourteen year old girl first uttered the words, “Mom, I am a boy” I had many questions and much to say, but I had yet to learn that most of it would either be considered hateful and morally unacceptable to my child and, more shockingly, deemed illegal by my government. I didn’t know at the time that had I reached out to my kid’s school to ask for their support of my "non-affirming" parenting throughout my child’s confusion over her sex that I would not only be refused said support but may even be reported to Social Services as abusive just for asking. It didn’t occur to me at the time that if I had taken her to a therapist in hopes that they could help unravel the thoughts and feelings behind her belief that she was the opposite sex, that a therapist would do no such unravelling and instead tell her nothing but, ‘yes, you are’. I couldn’t have predicted that my questions and concerns would be feverishly rejected in social settings, followed up with heavy doses of uninformed and unquestioning "affirmation" of my child. I was unaware that this was one very important conversation that I, as a loving and engaged parent, was not allowed to have with my daughter.
It turns out these social, professional and bureaucratic rules slipped into existence one by one over time through the relentless efforts of radical trans activism. I don’t believe I am alone in thinking that it’s a good idea to break these rules for my daughter’s health and safety, and an even better idea to work toward their abolition. I decided early on that I will not be intimidated into silently droning along, with my child in my home, with a borrowed set of beliefs that could lead her to permanent medicalizion long before she graduates high school.
Our first few "gender" related conversations were nothing short of explosive. I allowed myself to be knocked down by the accusations of hate speech, bigotry and lack of understanding that my daughter easily tossed in my direction. I had to hone an unfamiliar skill- separating the ideology from the child. Over a relatively short time and with a much more purposeful approach, these chats began to relax regardless of our individual beliefs. My daughter and I engage as two truced warriors for social justice on opposite ends of the gender spectrum.
I read my share of books and articles, listen to insightful podcasts, watch anything based in fact that YouTube offers up, and follow the often sickening social tone in an effort to create a mental catalogue from which to draw for conversations with my indoctrinated child. Injecting the truth into otherwise evangelistic dialogue became paramount but in order to do so I had to, and still have to, keep the trust between us alive and the atmosphere around us calm. I consciously risk rocking the proverbial boat and triggering a rebellion each time we talk.
While I don’t believe that a walk over eggshells to connect with my daughter will do either of us any good, I won’t be able to reach her at all if we’re in a perpetual fight. It is from this foundation that I feel secure in telling my kid the truth and it is through this truth telling that I can sleep at night, knowing that I am doing everything I can to keep my child tethered to reality.
At the onset of my child’s rapid onset trans identification, she was unwavering in her conviction that she is he. Through open and thoughtful conversations she has indicated on more than one occasion that she may not always feel this way. She has expressed to me that she does believe in biology and sex, but follows up with the idea that "gender" is of a spiritual nature, innate and not socially constructed. She denies her female being, but not her female body. She believes that I am honest, fair and smart (her words) but that ALL who don’t "support" trans kids are uneducated, judgemental liars. She is a confused and heavily influenced teenager who deserves alternatives to the misguided mindfood she is being force-fed by the media, social media, her friends, her teachers and her government.
The disentangling of my kid’s distorted understanding of herself and the world around her is a tedious process and one not without wager.
Far too many parents find themselves in the same situation I’m in and they know all too well the fear of losing their bond with a child who has been encouraged by social media, peer groups and even some professional adults to lose them first, if they don’t bow at the feet of "Gender Ideology". Building trust with my child and curating peace in our home allows me to keep an inherently volatile conversation flowing much more easily between us, loosening the constraints on my parenting ever so slightly. I am, however, aware that my trans-identifying kid is not likely to initiate these talks with her non-affirming mother, that is my job. And as long as she’s even somewhat receptive it’s a job I will not quit.
As for the strategic part of my quest for ongoing conversation, and I’m not sure how strategic it actually is, I might take note of something she says, something I read or something we see on a movie or a show and then bring it up later with the intent to discuss "gender" issues or her self-identification with the particular topic acting as a conversation starter. For example, my daughter has a soft spot for the elderly. I recently watched a recording of Elaine Miller speaking from this year’s Alloa Women’s Festival in Scotland on YouTube. She spoke about medically transitioned elderly people with dementia in long term care homes forgetting that they had transitioned and finding themselves in a state of confusion and sadness over what had happened to their bodies. I sat with my kid and told her what I’d watched and how sad I felt it was for the people who go through this. I talked about the fear and confusion they must experience in such a delicate time of life. I refrained from making the point that there must have been reasons for their transitions that did not involve an innate knowledge that they were the opposite sex in the first place, letting her absorb it on her own.
Though I can’t be sure if this particular heartbreaking reality will slide past the doctrine my daughter has adopted and cause her to re-examine some of her thinking, it is possible. It is worth my time, every time, to try to give her a perspective that may begin to challenge the singular one that has aggressively taken up her headspace.
When I share a fact or a story with my child that has a clear message that should serve as a warning against medical transition or as an insight into the nature of "Gender Ideology", I am not trying to trick her into believing what I believe. I’m not trying to brainwash her into critical and reasonable thinking either. I am trying to provide her with truthful information, rational points of view and common sense, without overwhelming her or sabotaging our communication. I am carefully introducing logic into weighted irrationality so she has a clearer overall picture of the social, psychological and physical aspects of medical transitioning and the dangers of ideological thinking. I am trying to plant for her pragmatic seeds, water them with foreboding wisdom and hope the fruits they bear are those of knowledge, authenticity and her advocacy for the truth rather than her acceptance of a lie.
As I walk the balance beam of honest thought provoking conversation with my ROGD child, I will falter and flail but I will not fall. I cannot, as her mother, sit idly by while a duplicitous doctrine motivates my daughter’s words and actions, dragging her along the potholed path to her purported "self". I will not deny reality alongside my child so I don’t upset her or so that she feels what "Gender Ideologists" would have her believe is "supported". I will instead support my child as a whole human with attentiveness to her present state of mind and great regard for her future. My most significant responsibility will not be piloted by a devious social tenor and the words I need to carry it out won’t be stolen by an ill-founded movement.