This story was also recorded for The Witness Podcast Episode 12
I am writing this knowing that you might not even read it, but I need to say things.
If I didn’t love you, then maybe I wouldn’t care what decisions you make about your life. However, I love you more than you can ever know, and it hurts me to watch you suffer and not to be able to talk to you. I don’t want to live with regret, so I am going to express my thoughts. They may hurt your feelings. The people around you can be insincere, spouting platitudes and telling you what you want to hear because it is easier or because they don’t want to be accused of being transphobic or “hateful”. But I’m your mom. I will tell always you the truth, no matter how uncomfortable or painful that truth may be.
I am sure that you have been told to disengage from us. That is textbook advice from cults. “You don’t need your family. You have us. We are your family now.”
This is completely wrong. We are you family and always will be. No one will love you or be more concerned about you than your family.
I have been told to accept you as a woman or I will lose you, either to suicide or to estrangement.
I am told that if I don’t agree with your transgender identity, then I am hateful, transphobic and abusive.
You have been told that you don’t need me if I don’t cave to this decision and new way of life. So already, people who don’t know me and who barely know you have backed us into opposite corners. This is the All-or-Nothing fallacy that has been created by the trans community. Sam, you are basing decisions and putting your future and your wellbeing into the hands of strangers.
I’m no longer letting fear of losing you stop me from telling you the truth. So here it is:
You don’t get to control the rules of our relationship.
Sex is biology. Gender is ideology.
Gender is a social construct.
So-called “affirmation” means saying that something is inherently wrong with you.
Oh Sam, I just want you to know how much we love you. Although you have chosen a path that we don’t agree with or support, that doesn’t mean that we don’t love you. We are always here if you need us. Always. You are in our thoughts and prayers every day.
I know it may seem easier for you to remove us from your life or to blame us or to hate us. But we will always be your parents and will always be concerned and care for your wellbeing.
And yes, this is your decision to cut us out of your life. You are controlling the rules of engagement. I am trying to communicate and engage. Do you really think that I am hateful? Do you really think that I am capable of that?
You said in your text that you don’t owe us an explanation. But you do owe us that. When you make a decision that affects the entire family, you owe us an explanation. When you choose to physically harm yourself, you do need to explain it to us. You don’t want to explain it because you can’t. Explaining would make you question yourself and doubt the path you have chosen and you don’t want to be questioned.
If transitioning meant we would still have the same Sam that we have known and loved all these years, then maybe we could go along with it. But you have changed so drastically. You’re angry and bitter. You no longer laugh. Everything we say seems to offend you. Where and when did this brainwashing start? Talking to you is like navigating a minefield.
My son would thank me for a birthday cake or a Christmas gift. My son would acknowledge my birthday or Father’s Day. My son would call us to talk to us because he loves us, not just when he needs something from us.
You are trying to kill Sam, but you expect me to accept the person who is trying to take his place.
Sam, you’re suffering delusions. Gender dysphoria is like anorexia or schizophrenia. We don’t give anorexics diet pills and liposuction. We don’t tell schizophrenics that the voices in their heads are real and should be listened to.
You are not a woman and you never will be. Self-mutilation is dangerous. You need real mental health care, not lies from the trans community and social media influencers. You will never find happiness as a trans person. You will eventually find yourself just as unhappy as you are now, but with permanent damage to your body. You will only become more anxious and depressed. It is time to dig into the source of your anxiety and depression.
I will never accept that you are a woman. You were not misidentified at birth. You were not born into the wrong body. This ideology is a childish delusion.
You said, “I don’t owe you an explanation.” Yes, you do! If I said, “I am leaving Dad,” or “I am disowning my kids,” I would certainly owe everyone involved an explanation. You won’t explain because you can’t. And trying to explain just makes you question your decision and yourself and you don’t want to doubt yourself.
This is all on you, Sam. How dare you place blame on us. Playing this role as a martyr is romantic in fiction and movies, but it serves no purpose in reality beside your own self-indulgence. No one in this scenario is a hero or star.
Please contact us if and when you want to engage.
We continue to love and miss you.
Partners for Ethical Care shares these stories to give voice to individuals who cannot share their stories publicly due to the possibility of losing their jobs, their friends, and their children. All stories are confidential and anonymous. You can share your story too. Go to partnersforethicalcare.com and click on theShare Your Story button. We welcome your story, your time, and yourdonation to support this important work.